Don't waste your time reading what's below. It's mainly a bit of housekeeping for my brain.
(but if you want to I can't stop you)

I should probably tell some secrets of mine now. Don't know why, I suddenly feel like letting them out. Yeah don't need to tell me: I'm still a coward because I'm this anonymous person spurting things I can't bear to say in public with people looking at my face, but behind a computer screen, it's all fine. I hate doing it like this, but the extent of my inferiority complex (I'm willing to admit that face to face) just crumples me up. It's so bad that I daren't talk about my fandoms to anyone but my friends, and even then I hide a few things. That's why I write so much. On my blog, my Tumblr, my journal. I write also because I don't want to forget, but let's not even go into such uncharted territory. Well, maybe not now.

No my complex was not what I wanted to share. I'm actually just trying to stall because I don't want to write this down, but I feel I have to in order to sort things out right. Uhm a word of warning (well you could probably just call it a disclaimer): if it sounds like it's some deep dark secret that I'm going to tell, it's not -I repeat: it's NOT- so don't go sighing in regret just because you've been a busybody but then read something that, to you, was boring and anti-climatic.

Okay so here they are.

1. I talk to myself.
I've been talking to myself as far back as I can remember. That's why I was so shocked when I read Enid Blyton books when I was young, to find that talking to oneself meant that you were 'dotty'. That was the exact word she used, haha. So for years I had this kind of self-denial (because when I was a child I took Enid Blyton's books to be the gospel truth), always berating myself, saying I was crazy, then actually catching myself talking to myself berating myself (let's not get confused here). I never knew why I talked to myself - I did it so much that even now I do it sub-consciously and only sometimes catch myself in the act. But I've stopped minding so much. I've only thought about it recently because my Dad approached me one day saying humourously, "You talk to yourself." I replied that I didn't, then he said, "Yes you do, I hear you all the time from your room." Damn I talk too loudly. Outwardly I just shrugged and quickly backed off, because I didn't want to talk about it.

The truth is, I talk to myself, basically, to sum it up in one word, because I'm a Virgo. No this is not some kind of superstitious lark. Well maybe a bit. Almost all the time, especially when I've just been exposed to something that touched the strings of my heart and tugged at them (gently or otherwise), I just think a lot and a whole lot of feelings just tumble into my brain and I can't stop it and it builds up until I finally want to explode. So I talk to myself (adding a lot of exaggerated hand gestures) to sort all the information out and arrange them neatly inside my head. Also to let out my feelings. Talking is the fastest, and since I don't trust anyone not to judge me my opinions (see complex above), I talk to myself, when I'm alone, in my bedroom. One more reason I write blogs and stuff is because it's one other way to sort things out without people hearing you and judging you, but typing can never be as fast as talking. Writing's even slower, but I've picked up a little shorthand so that helps...never mind. So now you know.

2. Acting.
You know (of course you don't) how I'm always never astounded by anything people do because I think with enough practise you can be just like them, and that even though not very well, I can also do a bit of it quite okay? I've always thought that way, from everything to art (well I'm a Visual Arts student so sod that) to accents (did I tell you I'm trying to pick up the Scottish one?) to dancing and rapping and singing etc. Well I've found one thing that amazes me and is filled with mystery. Yeah I provide as much suspense as Alfred Hitchcock - I've already written it above.

I know you must put yourself in the character's shoes and pretend that your character is your reality, so I've never really thought about it. Up until recently (last year) I didn't judge actors to be good or bad. Whenever people say 'so-and-so's acting was horrendous/so brilliant!' I never really gave my own opinion because I couldn't judge. I used to think that I good actor is merely someone who can cry on demand. That's also only because I can't cry on demand. At all. However now I've realised what lies behind a true actor. I still can't put what I feel out in words, because my knowledge of the English language is so limited, and my brain is so small and slow, but I'll try anyway. It's their ability to forget themselves? Someone who can convey emotions through his eyes while bound up; someone who can convey emotions with their actions while blind. I think 'eye acting' is harder than action, because it needs you to really immerse yourself in your character and genuinely feel what they're feeling to be able to eye act. You need to be able to completely forget yourself, whether you look ugly on camera, whether people are staring at you, even whether the camera is there or not, you are the character, they are your reality and nothing else matters but the inner feelings that stir within your heart. But I'm just rambling. It's so much more than that. In fact, I think acting is a gift that only certain people have. It's either you can act, or you can't. So next year when I change schools I've decided to try and join a drama/theatre club so that I can find out more. By the way I'm positively fascinated by theatre.

Okay will you please SHUT UP now.