Kind of overwhelmed by self-pity right now. Yeah I know that's bad and seems selfish, but let me just try to explain why in this long-winded, self-centred kind of way.

First of all, I think I appreciate anonymity on the internet. That's why I like this blog. Even though it's public and I've revealed personal information like my name and birthday and possibly my age, I feel that no one knows me here, and I'm free to just release all my random useless opinions without fear of people I know judging me.

Of all the websites that I go to regularly, most of them are all social networking sites. I think these kinds of sites are only good for people who know a lot of people and who are connected, or who are famous. Because then they can benefit from sites like these.

However, people like me, who spend all their days fantasizing about fictional things that are sort of a cult and are not really appreciated by many people, it feels kind of sad when you don't have many friends, or people who respond to you, or people who care about your life.

Especially if you're someone with such a major inferiority complex as I have. Sometimes I think it's so bad that I actually have to go see someone about it. I would elaborate, but that's not why I started this blog post. (Actually I'm beginning to think that this post is sort of an underage way of frowning my sorrows)

Take 5 minutes ago for instance. I went on Tumblr, then I went on Twitter, then Facebook and whatever. I don't seem to have much - sorry I'm typing a whole load of useless rubbish. I found another way to explain this.

I hate how my perfectionism always gets in the way of everything.

For example, if I can't do anything perfectly the first time, I tend not to do it at all. Sort of like procrastination, you might say, and you'd be right. But the situation is so bad that other things are affected.
I look at other people and see that they carry the clothes they wear so perfectly, and I'm just not at the same level as them. I see tiny imperfections every time I look into the mirror, but then I stare and tare at them, and think about it so much so that it seems like a ginormous thing and I can't face the world anymore because obviously those imperfections are the first things anyone'll notice. So bringing my previous point forward, I tend not to pay attention to my looks at all, because if I can't get a perfect result, I might as well not do it at all. So in the end I get more horrible than I would've been if I just actually tried.

Then there comes the time when I actually tell myself, "You know what, you're just gonna try, and not care what anyone else thinks." So I try. I try, and I confidently stroll out of my house. Then I look into a mirror or any reflective sort of glass I walk by on the street and think, hey this girl is really trying too hard and attracting all sorts of unwanted attention because she just looks like shit. I can't believe she chose to wear that when it looks terrible on her. Note that these things are mostly still just jeans and t-shirt with accessories kind of thing. So in the end I end up not trying even more.

It goes the same for talking to people, drawing, writing, my room, my decisions, and now it hss even come to my parents! I think I've gone over the edge, and I drown myelf in television shows and I want to go out but yet when I do I feel so self-conscious and just want to get back to my computer again. Then I look at all my friend's statuses and I just want to go out and not stay cooped up in my room all the live-long day. Because they are going out.

I'm now just gonna slightly comfort myself by making a list of things.
A list of things that affect me greatly. Negative things.

1. Inferiority complex
2. Self-consciousness
3. Shyness (which is caused by the above)
4. Perfectionism (sometimes good, mostly bad)
5. Embarrassment / moments of foolishness
6. Pride
7. Superstition (slight)

Now I'm even starting to be afraid of the strangers that will judge me based on this post, even if they don't know who I am.

Sometimes I hate myself.

I'm gonna come back to read this 2 years later and I'm gonna cringe at how embarrassing I've been. How childish I must sound when strangers accidentally come across this self-bashing post.

You see even when others post sad blog posts they're more mature and level-minded than me. I just use such basic, archaic vocabulary that can't even begin to truly express my emotion, I waste loads of time typing a load of shit, but when you go back to read it you still don't have a clue what's going on.

I feel that people do care about me, it's just I'm too prideful and self-centred and rude to respond properly. In the end I just make them regret even trying to talk to me.

Yup it is always my fault. And I didn't mean that in any way sarcastically.