Just a disclaimer: this is some emotional vomit, so brace yourselves or just go away if you have no time for this shit, but

EVERY SINGLE TIME I talk to my mother I feel like crying. Every time I talk to my friends' mothers I also feel like crying. I just don't know why my mother can't act like any other mother and be loving and caring and nurturing.

You're probably thinking this is just me, and I have a biased view because the grass is always greener on the other side, this is just a phase, and whatnot. But no, I've been feeling this for years. Like, at least 6 years now.

It's always the little things. Like, every time she comes into my room, she'll look at my computer and say "Why are you not studying? I'm getting worried about you." Then she'll just leave. Or she'll say "Don't eat too much you'll become fat." Or, more recently, as I'm losing quite a bit of weight, "Don't eat too much it's bad for your pimples."

So you may think that oh she's worrying about me and looking out for my well-being! No it's not. Let me clarify. To her, it seems as if I'm competition. For what, I don't know. But every time she has a conversation with me, she has to win.

For example. When I object to something she says, she'll start acting all childish and actually repeat what I say! Like when I say, "Can you stop objecting to everything I do?" She'll reply in a fake kiddy voice exactly what I said. Then when I retort, she'll say the same thing again. Like she has to have the last say in any conversation, even if it's about nothing. I don't even know.

Can you imagine YOUR mother doing such things? Behaving so childishly?

Not only that, when it's clearly her responsibility to do things, like take care of her mother (my grandma), she'll always say "Oh you look after her she won't listen to me she'll only listen to you because you're her granddaughter." And on the few times I've actually reached my limit and say that it's her responsibility, she'll just say "Oh I'm a lousy daughter don't follow my example, follow your father's example." Usually he's the one who takes care of her because my mum's "too busy" (she's a shameless workaholic), and she is a self-proclaimed "lousy daughter". You're definitely lousier than lousy if you don't even bother to TRY before delegating everything!

Oh and by the way if you think this "competition" thing is an idea I completely made up, it's not. I actually thought about it and it sounded true, so this one time I got so tired of her rubbish I actually started sob-yelling at her (because I get agitated very easily in the context of fairness, I am a very emotional person, and I was really extremely angry at that time).

I told her that she was only thinking of herself all the time and not bothering about her children like we're just an afterthought and a burden she has to consider. And she said that "yeah I'm spending money on myself because I earned the money through my own hard work. Did you work for anything? No, so you shouldn't expect anything from me or your father." (by the way, my father pays for everything for my brother and I, even school and extra tuition fees and our groceries and necessities like toiletries and even clothes; the only thing my mother spends on is herself: her clothes, massages, facial, whatever)

Then she LITERALLY said, "You see, so I win." She's the opposite of me. She can argue and speak loudly while still looking completely calm. My face by now is totally destroyed by my emotions.

So I lost it completely. "Why do you have to treat everything like a competition? Is winning more important than your children's well-being?!"

"Yes, of course, because I always have to have the last say in anything."

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what. i didn't even know what to say anymore.
I felt like hitting her, because I have to admit I'm not good at arguments so I think hitting someone is the quickest way to get my emotions across, though I know it's the most counter-productive to my purposes of getting my actual feelings across. Also my mother is unbelievably smart, so she knows how to argue and what to say that will hurt most, and how to not be emotionally affected because she's so analytical.

But then I remembered something I'd wanted to say for years but never had the balls to:
"I remember something you said to us (me and my brother) years ago that I will never ever forget: you told us that your biggest regret in life was to have children! And through your actions I've believed that until now"

She had nothing to say. I'd caught her up there.

In the end my father just decided to bring me out for a walk and talk things through, without her, to ease the tension. He knows that I haven't been on good relations with my mother for the longest time (read: years). Oh by the way, we were on holiday at the time, so it was a warm winter, so the air was crisp and fresh and relaxing, but I was still over the edge.

I usually hate to draw attention to myself, but at that time I really didn't care. I literally sobbed my lungs out while spilling all my feelings to my father (I was trying hard not to because they affected my speech, but it didn't work I was so emotional) as we walked along the still-quiet morning streets.

I explained everything (I would elaborate, but I'll be brief here): how she doesn't treat us like children but as friends which means she doesn't behave like a real mother; how I always feel like crying whenever I see my friends' mothers or even my cousins' mothers, and ask myself why can't she be just half as good as they are to their children; and how she's so childish, calling me names like "pig" and "fat" and "ugly", why can't she behave her age instead of like a 5-year-old.

My father is the kindest, most big-hearted person I've ever seen. And he does love my mother. So he told me that he understands my comparing her with other mothers, and he knows that she is different, but that she does love us, albeit in a different way. He also said some more that I don't quite remember, although I do know that I was quite convinced by the end of it. Thinking back on it now, I just didn't want him to be upset, because I do love my father so, so very much.

Then he gave me a long hug (he gives the world's best hugs) which made me sob even harder, then he held my hand and we walked around more until I'd calmed down enough to return to the room.

That was about a few months ago. And it still didn't change my opinion of her.

I do want to change that, I really do! So I felt, instead of arguing with her to try and change her, I thought I should start on my own part to be more friendly, since I read on a psychology website that people usually respond with the same mood they are spoken to with.

I have tried, I really have. I started telling her about school miscellaneous stuff (just about work and forms, not really my life) to start things off slowly. But all she'll reply is how I have to work super hard to get what I want in life (which is what she wants, and that's for me to make a lot of money so that I can buy her a house and a car to repay for all she's done), and that she'll pay for any assessment and revision books I want, but she'll only spend money on what I absolutely need, which in her mind purely consists of WORK BOOKS. I know that because she refused to buy me stationery once. And I definitely need that more.

As you may now be able to tell, I think she is self-centred, selfish, and absolutely rubbish at caring. I won't even start on my comparisons on other parents.

Actually I will say this: once when I asked her to pick me up instead to taking the bus back, because it was late at night and I'd had an exhausting day, the first thing she said when I got into the car was "look at those girls taking the bus home, why couldn't you have done that? Don't treat your parents like your chauffeurs okay." Most of the time I don't even realise how ridiculous it sounds because I'm quite submissive and gullible, and I'll believe anything someone says, until I go back and really think about it. Then I get angry, but by then it's too late to do anything about it. So it snowballs.

And this has affected my social life, as well, which is the biggest thing. I don't dare to talk to new people and sometimes don't say anything even to my friends, or I'll think about what I've said and regret it. Because I realise that since I've spent my life with her, some of her personality may have rubbed off on me. And I really don't want other people experiencing what I have to experience, or for them to dislike me because I'm such a horrible person, so I end up not saying anything at all, which makes me kind of a loner at school. Which I absolutely hate.

I really want to solve this, but now, I'm just here writing this out and sobbing, not knowing what to do.

FUCK THIS. I give up. I really, absolutely, GIVE flipping UP.